here's how I see it.

I guess I ended up in a rut again, coming home this evening to something unexpected and letting it come between my me and my emotional being. I lost myself again for a bit, started to feel that same awful awful palpitations then I went into blank thoughts of filters and hacks and things I wanted to do which I knew would only antagonize th whole situation.

I felt so ridiculed by my own impertinence at that moment but thank god it knocked some sense into me. I just want to say: hey, it’s not about the satisfaction you want, it’s about the recognition you want, I know you want a sign of disarrangement but i’m sorry i cannot give that to you. Because i know that even through all these perplexities, my mom knows who I am now. And if there’s anything i’ve learnt recently, it’s that you can’t always get what you want even if you say you’ve tried.

Mom and Dad, I'm sorry I've let you down.